haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
