How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
