Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
