I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
