So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
