I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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