I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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