Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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