the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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