i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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