I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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