Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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