apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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