People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
