Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
