I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
