There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
