It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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