As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
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Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
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If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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