The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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