i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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