Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
