Yo dont text me then not text me
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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