you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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