Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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