U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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