cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm passing your future prison.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
And then he peed in my hair
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
