I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
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