So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I look better un-naked...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
