Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
This toilet bowl is my home.
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