Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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