Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
