FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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