I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".