God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
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i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
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Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...