I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life