She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
