I cockslap morals
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
