Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
