I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You are the jesus of drinking
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
