officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
