Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
