Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
