So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
