I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We named our party play list daddy issues
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
