my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
