I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
