Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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