i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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