I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
