I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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