I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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