I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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