do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
