Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Congratulations! We have a period
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