Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
