You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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