What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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