She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
