ADVERTISEMENT

• (816): View more from Missouri

  dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?

  Fav 2 837 1198

  share tweet
  

• (201): View more from New Jersey

  When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics

  Fav 28 973 3980

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed

  Fav 15 3611 1369

  share tweet
  

• (612): View more from Minnesota

  My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

  Fav 81 18534 1321

  share tweet
  

• (480): View more from Arizona

  I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.

  Fav 10 3860 1721

  share tweet
  

• (209): View more from California

  nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

  Fav 74 5390 1697

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (916): View more from California

  Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room

  Fav 13 1691 4197

  share tweet
  

• (815): View more from Illinois

  It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.

  Fav 8 4073 1330

  share tweet
  

• (260): View more from Indiana

  If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?

  Fav 3 1731 805

  share tweet
  

• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.

  Fav 7 628 1573

  share tweet
  

• (313): View more from Michigan

  You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink

  Fav 7 2094 729

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (317): View more from Indiana

  debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.

  Fav 1 562 427

  share tweet
  

• (757): View more from Virginia

  Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.

  Fav 1 461 242

  share tweet
  

• (519): View more from Ontario

  the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life

  Fav 2 166 595

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (647): View more from Ontario

  Stop fucking Sharon's exes.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.

  Fav 2 182 20

  share tweet
  

Randomize