I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
